Fatigue

I spend a lot of time staring off into space. I call myself a space cadet, because when I’m not lost in thought you can assume I’m lost daydreaming. My imagination runs wild, even in my early twenties. Sometimes I giggle aloud to myself in a room where no one is talking because, well, I’m quite silly.

Today, though, the staring was different. As of late, I suppose. The staring is empty. Cold. There is nothing much to laugh about, and even if there were I don’t have enough energy to laugh most of the day. I do not have enough energy, period. The only dreams I have lately are nightmares. The thoughts I have are anxiety based and equally as provoking. When I’m not asleep my eyes are burning and my brain is swimming. My muscles ache and feel week.

I should mention that I live with depression (and anxiety, plus some other currently irrelevant things). Diagnosed, hospitalized, and medicated; that’s me. I bare scars. I have toed the waters of suicide. I have moved forward, onward, always trying to be better.

I disclose that because, well. What I wrote reads like depression. It’s not my first thought only because I don’t feel… *sad*. I also don’t feel… *empty*. I use asterisks to mean that I don’t feel those things substantially enough to be concerning or crippling, because most people with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) feel these things off and on, or just on the low setting, if that makes sense. My point being, my feelings don’t match the physicality of this exhaustion. I am just… exhausted. Fatigued beyond belief. Rapidly approaching crippling without any of  the crying spurts of self-harm desires or anything that typically comes with feeling like this.

I am confused. Not sure if the primary care doctor or the psychiatrist is the right next step. But, I do know I just need to pick one – perhaps both. Too often I find myself just “waiting it out”, and then next thing I know I’m having a break down or maybe I’m drinking for the wrong reasons or possibly idealizing self harm or death.

So, I guess my tip for today is to really take the time to listen to yourself. That sounds so cliche, but I have ended up in a place with bars on the windows and no locks on the bathroom doors because I have failed to do so. There is nothing more important than your health – you can’t do anything if you’re severely ill, incapacitated, or dead. No one should expect perfection from you, not even you, but you can always strive to be better about listening to yourself and seeing the signs before you do something or experience something you’ll regret.

~Ray

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